April is going to be a confession-heavy month on Confessions of the One and Only F.J.R. Titchenell (That I Know of)!
I’m going to be lightening the mood after our month of tragic figures and posting a series of the five most embarrassing fictional characters who can make me an April lovefool. This month will have prettyboys and badboys, freaks and dorks, plus a special sixth entry by Jenniffer Wardell, author of the upcoming Fairy Godmothers, INC!
First, in the number five spot, we’ve got William Turner of Pirates of the Caribbean.
Why it’s embarrassing:
He’s a punchline. Orlando Bloom is universally acknowledged shorthand for “boring, insubstantial, Disney brand prettyboy who can serve no purpose other than nonthreatening lust-object for girls grappling with the very earliest pangs of puberty.” And Will Turner isn’t even one of his attempts to break out of that persona; it’s the one that cemented him there.
Why I can’t help myself:
As prettyboys go, this is one striking-looking man. He is pretty, sure, even unnaturally so, but he’s memorably pretty. That face doesn’t blend into a crowd of other pretty people. You could pick it out of any lineup, and the swarthy, pirate-y, unshaven Will Turner look cancels out most of the creepy androgynous-child-creature vibe that excessive prettiness tends to carry.
Okay, enough with the actor. This is a list of fictional crushes, and we’re talking about Will Turner here. No, he’s not the most complex character ever written, but he’s not the nonentity that so many Prince Charming types are either. He’s clearly in the story for the girls to sigh over rather than for the boys to identify with, and his motivation revolves almost entirely around Elizabeth, but he doesn’t just show up when our poor heroine’s story gets too difficult for her so he can slay all the dragons. It’s his story too. He’s got his inferiority complex to work out, an impractical honor code eating at him, and a pirate-filled world to adapt to.
I’m going to be lightening the mood after our month of tragic figures and posting a series of the five most embarrassing fictional characters who can make me an April lovefool. This month will have prettyboys and badboys, freaks and dorks, plus a special sixth entry by Jenniffer Wardell, author of the upcoming Fairy Godmothers, INC!
First, in the number five spot, we’ve got William Turner of Pirates of the Caribbean.
Why it’s embarrassing:
He’s a punchline. Orlando Bloom is universally acknowledged shorthand for “boring, insubstantial, Disney brand prettyboy who can serve no purpose other than nonthreatening lust-object for girls grappling with the very earliest pangs of puberty.” And Will Turner isn’t even one of his attempts to break out of that persona; it’s the one that cemented him there.
Why I can’t help myself:
As prettyboys go, this is one striking-looking man. He is pretty, sure, even unnaturally so, but he’s memorably pretty. That face doesn’t blend into a crowd of other pretty people. You could pick it out of any lineup, and the swarthy, pirate-y, unshaven Will Turner look cancels out most of the creepy androgynous-child-creature vibe that excessive prettiness tends to carry.
Okay, enough with the actor. This is a list of fictional crushes, and we’re talking about Will Turner here. No, he’s not the most complex character ever written, but he’s not the nonentity that so many Prince Charming types are either. He’s clearly in the story for the girls to sigh over rather than for the boys to identify with, and his motivation revolves almost entirely around Elizabeth, but he doesn’t just show up when our poor heroine’s story gets too difficult for her so he can slay all the dragons. It’s his story too. He’s got his inferiority complex to work out, an impractical honor code eating at him, and a pirate-filled world to adapt to.
You cheated!
Pirate.
He’s in way over his head, and he knows it. He stumbles and gets laughed at and has his ass repeatedly handed to him, but he just keeps on getting up and trying again, the way heroes are supposed to. There’s nothing he won’t do if he believes it’s right. He’s the kind of painfully noble that manages to come off as adorably naïve rather than irritatingly masochistic.
And, let’s face it, to the teeny tiny part of me that’s still an awkward, pimply, twelve-year-old girl cooing over the pages of Nonthreatening Boys Magazine like I do over the puppies in the petshop window,
Will Turner’s a wittily soft-spoken good soul who carries a sword and knows how to use it. That’s about as crushworthy as they come.
